A pointless Sailor Moon story
by Tendo Rei
Summary: don't say I didn't warn you.


A pointless Sailor Moon story.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon. _

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Sailor Moon let loose her usual stream of colored lights at the youma and vanquished it, despite the fact that she hadn't fought actual youma in three years and the source of all evil in the universe had already been destroyed anyway. 

"Moon dusted!" she exclaimed triumphantly, killing my soul just _that_ much more.

Just then, Tuxedo Mask landed.

"Tuxedo Mask!" she gasped, getting all squishy.

"Serena, you must look inside and be true to your friends, bla bla bla– can we have sex now?"

Her shining eyes filled with dewy tears at his romance. Then, in the middle of the park, they took all of their clothes off.

(insert gratuitous sex scene here)

"You're so brave, Tuxedo Mask." Sailor Moon said as she pulled on her bra. "But I thought you were in America?"

"bla bla bla, true loves knows no distance, bla bla, gotta go–" and he gimped away in the most romantic fashion possible.

"Mamo-chan." Sailor Moon sighed, forgetting his dub name. suddenly, her communicator went off!

"Serenity-chan" came Ami's voice. "There's a new enemy all of the sudden."

"Oh no!" Serenity squeaked. "Now I won't have time to pig out, or be a repulsive human being in general! And how is this going to impact my sex life?"

"Never mind, silly baka!" said Ami-chan, freely mixing languages. "Just get over here!"

Over at the hikawa shrine…

"bla bla bla, nasty sarcasm, bla, Serena equals pig, let's get on with it." Rei said.

"There's a new enemy all of the sudden, will it get in the way of my weightlifting?" Lita said while pumping iron.

"How can I ever be the most graceful creature on earth if there's more enemies to fight?" said Minako while tripping over her own feet and sending a box of kittens plummeting to their doom.

"All of you have a social life, and that's really getting in the way of your youma fighting time." Ami said.

"Hey, has anyone noticed how hot it's getting in here?" said Serena, loosening her top button.

"It's hot enough to boil Walter." Minako butchered the language.

"It's hotter than my old boyfriend." Lita agreed with needlessly large breasts.

"This is somehow making me uncharacteristically less bitchy." Rei commented.

(insert gratuitous threesome here)

"That was great." Sighed Mina, pulling her tanktop back on and putting her head through the armhole.

"Yeah. Where did you learn how to do that with your feet?" Serena asked.

Ami blushed modestly. "At cram school. You guys think I actually studied?"

Suddenly their communicators went off.

"Guys, there's trouble at the park!" cried Tuxedo Mask.

"We have to go help him!" shouted Serena, her eyes dewy with emotion.

"I don't remember giving him a communicator…" muttered Ami.

Suddenly they were at the park.

"Moon Aqua Alpha Crystal Eon Eternal power!" cried Serena, forgetting description was useless since we've already seen it.

"Mercury Bubble Apple Super Star Crystal power!"

"Mars Volcano Pyro Cutie Stellar Eucharist power!"

"Venus Love Eros Ecto Gammat Cockney Magic power!"

"Jupiter Volt Leaf Chunk Angelfish Vega 'roids power!"

They powered up to their super-saiya forms so powerful they could snuff out the sun. They ran to the monster, but suddenly Serena had a broken leg.

"Serena! My love!" cried Tuxedo Mask, running toward her with open arms.

"Your love? YOUR LOVE?!" she exploded. "Where was your love last night when I was fighting off ten youma at the same time!"

"Sweet Jesus! How long has this been going on?" as an answer, Serena beat him beyond all recognition.

That left the other senshi staring after her as she ran away faster than light despite the leg and copious amount of blood pouring from every orifice.

"What's her problem?" asked Rei, resulting in her immediate expulsion from the sailor scouts. She then took Darien home, where after a few drinks and some soft music, they realized they could _both_ do better.

Serena dragged herself down several back alleys, whimpering pitifully to herself. A single skinny punk tripped her and tried to force himself on her, and despite the fact that she had a power rivaling that of Superman and the fact that she outweighed him by several pounds, she squeaked helplessly and a huge quantity of snot dripped out her nose.

"Ewwwww lady!" he sneered, and was suddenly hit from behind by someone who was not above the occasional sucker-punch.

"Seiya!" Usagi cried rapturously, forgetting that he had gone back to Kinumoku.

"I'm here to get into your pants." He told her. She held a hand in front of her mouth and giggled.

"Oh, you." She said.

Later, at Seiya's swinging bachelor/ette pad…

"Boy, that was so chivalrous rescuing me!" Usagi burbled. "This stuff is great, what is it called again?"

"Vodka and roofie colada." Seiya said, snaking his arm around her chest.

At the mention of Mamo-chan, Usagi burst into tears.

"I've been sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to fight youmas by myself to prove that I'm just as strong as the others, but they never even notice and Mamo-chan doesn't even care, though I've never told them or asked for help in any way, but still, it's the principal of the thing!" she cried.

Seiya winced. "Yeah, that sucks, really. I agree completely with everything you have to say."

"Oh, seiya-chan." She cooed and fell into his arms. "Do you really mean it?"

(insert gratuitous sex scene here)

"Ooh, Seiya, you're more man _**or **_woman than anyone around." Usagi sighed.

Seiya sat up and wiped the salsa from his chest. "And it only gets better from here." He greased.

Suddenly, a communicator.

"There's an old enemy from the Deadmoon circus that was apparently out of the way of the destruction but has come back to revenge them despite the fact that they all lead happy lives now!" Ami cried.

"Ami, why do only you ever announce crises?"

"_**Be quiet, only I may ever use this communication channel!**_" roared Ami.

At the park, for the 951st time…

"I am a ball balancer who was mysteriously forgotten and I have come to avenge myself on you despites the fact that I have no previous appearances and my motives are questionable!" roared Deedeee, sticking to the naming scheme while simultaneously missing the point.

"We'll stop you this time around too!" Sailor Venus cried. "We'll muff the floor with you!" and she was pelted for her idiocy.

Suddenly Sailor Moon showed up.

"Sailor Moon." roared Deedee. "I suppose you know who I am!"

Sailor Moon squinted at her. "Mamo-chan?"

"Guess again!" she roared. "Let's see you chew on this!" and with that she somehow morphed two beach balls and a snorkel into a phage.

"Oooooh, it looks just like my old boyfriend." Mako drooled.

"_That_ looks like your old boyfriend?" Ami-chan asked.

"Umm, yeah, he kinda had a limp-bannana thing going on…but that's not the point!"

"Point this!" the phage cried, zapping them with a pink ray.

"Aaaah!" Venus squealed. "Hey, that kinda tickles…"

"Yeah," Rei panted. "Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

(insert gratuitous group sex scene here)

"Wow!" said Minako. "Who knew an inflatable woman could be such a giver?"

"Yeah." Mako sighed. "Too bad we popped her."

They all looked over to the pile of Mamoru and Usagi.

"Do you think they'll stay together this time?" Ami asked.

"They damn well better, because if they don't I think we'll have to kill them." Minako said. "I don't think I can take this on/off business for the next thousand years."

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_Author's Note: Dear god, what was I on?_


End file.
